April 20 2010

Calvinism & Evangelism – Friend or foe? (part 1)

When I first started to hear about Calvinism I found it both fascinating and confusing.

It raised many, many questions for me, which I slowly worked through bit by bit, with the main goal being, to understand what God thought about it in his Word.

For those that haven’t really been introduced to Calvinism, I will give you a very brief heads up.

John Calvin was a Christian guy born in 1509, who expressed his understanding of life, God and salvation in a distinct way. People who believe that his ideas are in fact Biblical and accurate, call themselves “Calvinists”. It doesn’t (usually) mean that they worship Calvin or think that everything he wrote was correct, it just means that they agree with certain concepts that he wrote about.

The main bone of contention is around the Sovereignty of God and the Will of Mankind.

Calvinism makes the point that people, due to their “deadness” towards God, have no ability to repent and trust in Jesus – which is the appeal of the Christian Gospel. It states that the Bible is very clear that for people to be able to respond to the Gospel, God’s Spirit must first awaken the heart of the non-Christian and that the faith that they are saved through, is a faith that is a gift from God, not something that can be mustered up or chosen. God chooses us before we can chose him.

Someone once described it to me like this.

Some think of non-Christians like people drowning in the open seas and God is offering to save them – he has the life preserver ready to throw – but he waits until he sees that hand raised in faith, before he throws it and saves the sinner from drowning. If no hand is raised, then the offer of salvation is rejected and the sinner inevitably drowns, to the great sadness and disappointment of God who was there the whole time, life preserver in hand, ready to save, if only we would respond to his free offer.

This in itself is a beautiful and tragic picture and there is some truth in it, but Calvinism points out, it has some major flaws and ultimately is a very unbiblical picture.

The message we get from the Bible is a lot less evenly weighted. In the above picture, God is strong to save, but weak without our co-operation. And we are weak in that we need help, but strong in our ability to thwart God’s hopes and plans.

The Bible has a very different picture. We are a lot weaker and God is a lot stronger.

My friend continued explaining the analogy and put forward that the picture that Calvinism (and the Bible) presents, is more like this…

You are not at the top of the water’s surface, waving your arms around for God to save you. You are dead. At the bottom of the ocean. Stone, cold dead. No hope. No life. No chance to respond to an offer of salvation. Dead.

God is completely sovereign over the entire salvation process. He does not sit there on the rescue boat crossing his fingers and hoping that you’ll respond. You can’t respond. God knows this because he caused this to happen. Our deadness to God is part of God’s curse on the world for it’s rejection of him.

Now, God could very rightly and justly leave us dead and without hope, for that is what we deserve, but for some amazing reason, wrapped up in his amazing love and generosity and his desire to show his glory to the Universe, he does not leave us dead at the bottom of the ocean.

God chooses, or elects, some people to come alive. He brings them to the surface of the ocean and there he holds out his hand, which the newly alive person naturally and irresistibly grabs with whatever faith they now have, and so they are plucked out of the water and brought from death to life.

From the beginning to the end God is sovereign as no dead person can make themselves alive, and although there still is an offer and an acceptance, it is one that is irresistible and one has been made completely possible by the will of God from beginning to end. This is Calvinism.

Now, there are Bible verses here and there that people use to argue against Calvinism, but I believe they don’t actually contradict Calvinism, but just deepen our understanding and picture of the Sovereignty of God and what it looks like from a human perspective. There are far more verses and passages that explicitly support Calvinism and although I know it’s a bit biased, I’ll list some of these verses. (If you want me to blog further on the arguments for and against Calvinism, please write a comment asking for it!)

“No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him.” – John 6:44

“When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ.” – Colossians 2:13

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.” – Ephesians 2:1-9

“Yet, before the twins [Jacob and Esau] were born or had done anything good or bad—in order that God’s purpose in election might stand: not by works but by him who calls—she was told, ‘The older will serve the younger.’ Just as it is written: ‘Jacob I loved, but Esau I hated.’ What then shall we say? Is God unjust? Not at all! For he says to Moses, ‘I will have mercy on whom I have mercy, and I will have compassion on whom I have compassion.’ It does not, therefore, depend on man’s desire or effort, but on God’s mercy. For the Scripture says to Pharaoh: ‘I raised you up for this very purpose, that I might display my power in you and that my name might be proclaimed in all the earth.’ Therefore God has mercy on whom he wants to have mercy, and he hardens whom he wants to harden.” – Romans 9:11-18

“When the Gentiles heard this, they were glad and honored the word of the Lord; and all who were appointed for eternal life believed.” – Acts 13:48

“For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will— to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves... In him we were also chosen, having been predestined according to the plan of him who works out everything in conformity with the purpose of his will, in order that we, who were the first to hope in Christ, might be for the praise of his glory.” – Ephesians 1:4-6, 11-12

Now, if you’re new to these ideas, you are probably asking the same questions I did when I first started to grasp it, like: “If people can’t save themselves and it’s God who choses who will be saved and who won’t, then why doesn’t God simply just save everyone??”

It’s a valid question, and one that I won’t actually answer in depth here (Sorry! Again, write a comment and ask me to if you want) other than to say that the Bible is clear that not everyone gets to heaven. The question is, who’s ultimately in charge? If we’re free to chose whether or not we go to heaven, why doesn’t God just set up the circumstances so that we chose him? This makes God out to be very weak, very quiet and not very beautiful, as people seemingly of their own free will, pass him over and reject him.

Calvinism paints a glorious picture of God. A God that rules all things, including the ultimate destiny of every soul. A God that is so wonderful and desirable that if you are granted the gift of spiritual life and sight, you can’t help but put your faith in him.

All people, by God’s just and holy determination in response to our sinfulness, are destined for hell, and it only by his free act of merciful choice, that he plucks some of us out in order that we may enjoy him forever.

Why he does not chose to save us all, I do not know. God could rightly send us all to hell, and God could also rightly (thanks to Jesus) save us all from hell. It must be that God, who always does what is best, knows that in the end, it is better that he saves some rather than all. It seems unfair initially, but we must always remember that it is never unfair for God to send a sinner to hell. If I was going to hell, I couldn’t say to God that it was unfair that he was not merciful to me, because mercy itself is not fair. Judgement is fair, and God may at his own will and for his own reasons, decide to have mercy on whom he wants to have mercy (Romans 9:18). Jesus told a great parable explaining this very point in Matthew 20:1-16.

Now, I know I haven’t answered all the questions you may have on that topic, but I want now to turn your attention to the actual main point of this blog (yes, that’s right, that was all just introduction!)

The second big question I began asking as I started wrapping my head around Calvinism and the Biblical picture of salvation, was this one:

“If it’s God that saves people from beginning to end, what’s the point of evangelism??”

That was a big problem for me. I loved sharing my faith and I believed that people only needed the gospel explained in a way that was clear and compelling and they would happily choose it. But these new ideas were telling me that no matter WHAT I did and no matter WHAT I said, dead people don’t respond to the gospel and if God hadn’t chosen them then my evangelism would do as much good as preaching in a mortuary.

Also, it meant that if God HAD chosen them, then they would be saved whether I shared the gospel or not. Maybe I wouldn’t get to see them come to faith, but somehow, some way, the God that had chosen them before the creation of the world (Ephesians 1:4) would make it happen.

So what was the point of evangelism?? If God’s completely sovereign, doesn’t that make evangelism superfluous? Can’t I just leave the whole evangelism thing up to God and save myself all those awkward and painful conversations? Why does God ask us to teach and preach and proclaim and appeal and call people to repentance and faith, if their response is totally at the whim of a Sovereign God?

Well, if those questions are rattling around in your head, then know that I understand. I have been thinking about it on and off for many years, and just recently I have come to an understanding that I have found very encouraging. It has filled me with great wonder and joy in our Sovereign God and has spurred me on to both be prayerfully dependent on God to act and bring people to life, as well as at the same time, given me a purpose and boldness in my evangelism that has led me to be more active than I have been in a long while.

Sorry to leave you in suspense, but I think I might leave this here for tonight, and fill you in on my insights as soon as I can.

Read part 2. Click here!

Please leave me comments and questions!

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March 24 2010

The Holy Mazda

I have discovered a wonderful new way that helps me with my TAWG (time alone with God).

I use Google Calendar to send me an sms at 11:30pm every night reminding me to pray. This in itself is a really helpful reminder – like my very own “muezzin” (man in Islam appointed to call to prayer).

When I set this up, I expected it would also be a reminder to go to bed and get an early night as well, but I have learnt that my bedroom is really not a place I can spend a lot of time praying.

I don’t know if it’s the mess or the many things to distract me and draw away my attention. It also could be the fact that ever since my separation and following divorce, my bedroom has symbolized for me a sense of lonliness and I find I avoid spending a lot of time there (this makes going to sleep a problem as you generally should be spending a third of your day in your bedroom). Anyway, I know all that needs to be worked through and I need to deal with my issues in regard to my bedroom, but in the meantime, I need to foster intimacy with God more!

So a solution I have stumbled upon is going for a drive.

In my car I can relax, I can think, I can cry out to God, I can be focussed. It’s great. My car is a place where I often listen to Christian music or sermons and so it has accumulated good, positive, godly memories associated with it. It’s also contained which keeps me focussed and sort of puts my in a “cone of silence” mode where I can go in and pour out my heart.

Come to think of it, it’s a bit like a confessional box or my very own Holy of Holies, where I can go in and do business with God. Or it’s sort of taking Jesus’ advice about prayer when he instructed us saying, “When you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you.” (Matthew 6:6) although I realize blogging about it means that it’s not done in secret any more. I trust God knows that I only write this to encourage you rather than to boast about my pathetic attempts at a regular prayer life!

At the moment I am praying about something very specific, which I won’t blog about on here, but I will say that the daily short drive at 11:30pm helps me come back to God with my simple petition without spending all day stressing about it.

I know going for a drive maybe isn’t the best way to do quiet time. It means you can’t read the Bible as well and it’s probably not the best for the environment. It probably would be a lot better for me and the planet if I just went for a walk, or cleaned my room and got over my bedroomaphobia. But I have learned over the years that God is kind and he would rather we did whatever we could to spend time with him in prayer, rather than didn’t spend time with him at all.

So that’s my encouragement to you.

If you’re finding prayer a hard thing to do regularly, then do anything, use any tool, any trick, any creative idea, to make it easier for you to spend time chatting with your heavenly father.

Some will say that waking up at 5:30am every day and getting down on your knees next to your bed is great for developing character, but I reckon you first spend time with God (both in prayer and bible study) and then one of the fruits of that is character. Don’t make it harder for yourself and think that impresses God or proves you really love him.

Just pray! However you can, using whatever method is most helpful. God is big enough to meet us in our weakness and apathy and lack of self discipline.

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March 19 2010

Love Hate Relationship – A Poem

This is a poem I was inspired to write after attending an evening listening to the teaching of Sy Rogers.

God put his finger on an area of my life where I was holding on to a lot of bitterness. Well, to be frank, I was holding on to hate.

As I prayed and tried to just “give it to God” I realized I wasn’t able to let it go so easily. My hate, I realized, was actually very important to me, and couldn’t simply be thrown away like a used tissue. As I reflected on this relationship I had with my hate, this poem emerged….


LOVE HATE RELATIONSHIP
A poem by Simon Camilleri 18/3/2010

I love my hate
I hold it close
It keeps me warm
It holds my tears
My broken heart
It shields from pain
Ensuring it won’t break again

My hate’s my friend
It sits with me
It hears my tale
It nods its head
It does not judge
It does not speak
It seethes for me when I am weak

It understands
It validates
It justifies
It advocates
It stands with me
Against the throng
Alone acknowledging the wrong

How could I
Sacrifice my hate?
How could I
Give up such a friend?
To let it go
Says I admit
That there was no real cause for it.

The only way
I could let go
Would be if God
Replaced my hate
It plays too much
A vital role
Its loss would leave too great a hole

God waits to see
What I will do
Will he be my
Hate’s substitute?
Will he be my true advocate?
Will I trust him more than my hate?

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February 24 2010

The Single Bed – A Poem

The Single Bed

a poem by Simon Camilleri  24/11/09

I only need a single bed.
Why would I buy a double?
Having such room for someone else
Would only lead to trouble.

I know some people like the space.
They like to sprawl and stretch,
But then you’d need a King-sized bed
When finally you get hitched!

And so, since now I sleep alone,
I’ll go to bed and dream.
Sleeping soundly in my single,
Looking forward to my Queen.

(1648)

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February 24 2010

When the Fat Lady Sings – A Poem

WHEN THE FAT LADY SINGS
by Simon Camilleri 9/6/09

3 and a half days and one chapter ends.
3 and a half days a new one begins.
What do you do for those three and a half days,
When the silence is broken… When the fat lady sings?

Three and a half days of quiet reflection.
Three and half days of loud protesting!
Of grief, disbelief and of shaking your head,
As you wait for the song when the fat lady sings.

Her song is a ballad of 3 years of trying,
It tells of a broken heart I failed to win.
A sad, haunting tune that you wish you weren’t hearing.
Yes, the chords are all minor when the fat lady sings.

She’s been warming her voice now for many a month,
And right next to her there waiting in the wings,
Was another singer with a song of redemption,
Who will never will be heard when the fat lady sings.

In 3 and a half days she steps out on stage,
And I don’t know what her song into my life brings,
But I know I can’t cover my ears to prevent it,
So I’ll stop and I’ll listen… when the fat lady sings.



(2045)

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February 24 2010

The Last Straw – A Poem

The Last Straw

This is it!

I’ve had enough!

I’ve done my dash!

I’m taking my bat and ball and going home!

I’ve reached the bottom of the barrel!

I’ve reached the end of my tether!

I can’t take any more!

That was the final and very last straw!

The one that broke the camilleri’s back…

Now what…?

Now what…??

Now that I have run out of straws

What’s next?

Tomorrow doesn’t stop

Life goes on

The camel with it’s broken back has to decide

Do I get up?

Or give up?

Now what?

My heart is empty and full at the same time

Vacuous and yet knotted up tight

Hollow, silent and exhausted

And yet filled with a roaring tempest of pain and disillusionment

Like a silent scream by someone who has lost their voice

Nothing more to give

For the little bag that held my straws is empty

And yet

As I present my little empty bag to God,

Like a “Get Out of Jail Free” card,

Expecting him to pat me on the head and say,

“Well, at least you did your best.”

I find no words of comfort or understanding

No words of solidarity or permission to retreat

And after a moment of confusion at God’s seemingly cold silence

I take out my fingers from my ears and hear what he was waiting to say

“If you’re looking for an excuse, you’ve come to the wrong place” He said

“Here you will find no mandate to change the course

The task is clear

Love

No excuses

No conditions

No ultimatums

No alternatives

You must love

Til death separates you.”

“But how??” I cry,

Holding up my little empty bag that used to be so full of straws

He simply smiles and leads me to

A giant wooden beam

So high it blurs into the perspective

So wide it disappears into the horizon

He runs his hand across its harsh surface

Past old bloodstains and holes where nails used to be

And as he does he collects an overflowing handful of thin strips of wood

New straws from an ancient tree

He tells me to come back often and take as many straws as I need

For here they will never run out

And so I return

The camel gets up

And my little bag is full once again

And I’m surprised to find

My little bag is no longer so little

Being stretched from its last use

It’s now able to hold

A little more weight

And a few more straws

Simon Camilleri  4/4/08

(2070)

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February 24 2010

Blenders & The Paradox of Pain – A Poem

BLENDERS & THE PARADOX OF PAIN

a poem by Simon Camilleri  29/9/09

I put my hand into a blender and pressed the button “HIGH”
and in a flash my hand was gone and, shocked, I wondered why?

Why God? Why now? Why not THAT guy? Why’d this happen to me?
Why didn’t you just stop the blades? Or stop my hands, at least?

Aren’t I your child? Were you asleep? I thought you had my back!
I thought when I teamed up with you I’d live life free from lack.

And now I lack a whole right hand! How can you call this love??
I shook my fist (now just a wrist) at the heavens above.

I wondered how, in such a world, could God really be there?
If he exists, he’s either weak or worse, he doesn’t care!

This suffering seemed so pointless that I slowly filled with doubt.
So I thought I’d take a break from church until I’d worked it out.

So I ditched my Christian friends who all just didn’t understand.
It’s easy to say “God is good” when you have both your hands.

Yes, the complex paradox of pain would take deeper contemplation,
and what better way to think it through than in complete isolation.

See, I had lost my hand, I had lost my faith, I had lost my church and friends,
but I still had no idea just how my life had reached this end.

And as I pondered this I sat down on some railway tracks.
I began to juggle hand grenades and chainsaws to relax.

I wondered how could bad things happen to good folk like me,
as I smeared my face with honey and threw rocks at swarms of bees.

“It’s a mystery”, I finally said, “The great paradox of pain!”
and I shrugged as my left hand reached for the blender once again…

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February 24 2010

The Pain or The Wound – A Poem

20120527-170039.jpg

The Pain or The Wound

One day my heart was wounded
And the pain was deep and strong.
It’s ache was like a bag of bricks
I couldn’t carry long.

I had two paths to treat the wound.
Two sources of advice.
The first one’s name was Lucifer.
The other’s name was Christ.

The first one gave me bandages
To bind the wound up tight
He told me, “Don’t expose the wound
To water, air or light.”

“Put all your focus on the pain
That’s what we need to heal.
You’ll soon forget your wounded heart
If there’s no pain to feel.”

So he subscribed me pain-killers
And drugs of every kind
Some to escape, some to excite,
And some to dull my mind.

He promised he would kill the pain.
He promised sweet relief.
His promises so promising
They almost begged belief.

But one thing he neglected
In his attractive invitation
Was to tell me of the side-effects
Of all his medication.

See, I have taken his advice
Many times in the past.
I’ve found his pain-killers to work.
They’re cheap and very fast.

But they’re also quite temporary
And with returning pain
Comes deeper wounds, and stronger aches
And isolating shame.

And so this time I think I’ll pass.
I’ll try different advice.
And so I took my wounded heart
And offered it to Christ.

He said although he knew the pain
Was deep and strong and real,
It would not go away until
The wound itself was healed.

And so he started to unwrap
The wound that was bound tight.
He said, “We must expose the wound
To water, air and light.”

He said, “This will be painful
But it is the only way.
I’ll be as gentle as I can.
We’ll take it day by day.”

“I’ll comfort you through every step
I’ll never leave your side
And very slowly I’ll unwrap
Your fear and shame and pride.

Until we reach your wounded heart
Until it is laid bare
The pain will still be present
But the healing will start there.

And in the wound I’ll shine my light
To show what was unseen
And there I’ll pour living water
So pure and fresh and clean.

And with my love and grace and truth
Your heart I will restore
And you will find more freedom
Than you ever had before.

And so Christ is the one I choose
His path is hard but real
Into his hands I place my heart
For only he can heal.

by Simon Camilleri 16/9/07

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February 23 2010

Idea for Book to Battle Porn

For those that don’t know, one of my passions and areas of calling is to help guys who are struggling with pornography.

For a few years, I’ve been think through how to help guys in the journey and what we all really need to live in freedom, integrity and purity in this area.

I came up with a basic overview today, that I may develop into a book, or a series of studies or even a talk or presentation that I could do at churches.

It is broken up into various sections, each based on questions.

This is the flow of it so far:

The WHAT, WHY, WHO, HOW & WHEN
in The Battle Against Porn

WHAT (exploring the nature and lies of pornography)
What is porn?
What it isn’t.

WHY (exploring the reasons behind the struggle, why it is sinful and how God has so much better for us)
Why do we look at it?
Why can’t we stop?
Why must we stop?
Why bother?

WHO (exploring all the players in the struggle and seeing them through God’s eyes)
Who is God?
Who are you?
Who are they?
Who is the Enemy?

HOW (exploring the practical steps we must take to walk in freedom and purity in this area)
How do I protect myself?
How do I fight?
How do I get back up after falling?
How do I change?

WHEN (exploring the fact that it’s never too early and it’s never, ever too late)
When do I start?


I may try writing each one of these as separate posts on this blog, or maybe just develop it privately to be given as studies for people to work though. If each question was one study then that’d be a collection of around 15 studies, which may be a bit long, but I don’t see which parts of it I can really kick out. They’re all so vital.

If you’d like more resources in your own struggle with porn, check out my other website that still needs a lot more work: http://www.elephantroom.info/

Feel free to contact me about this issue, or talk to me if you’re interested in getting the studies as I produce them, or even having me give a talk to your church men’s group.

Email: simon@elephantroom.info

Mobile: 0425 851 540

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February 21 2010

Stupid Deals

I have noticed a few stupid deals being offered of late.

The main two are by Budget Direct car insurance and Flight Centre.

Budget Direct is offering a deal where you receive $50 if they can not beat your present car insurance fees (as long as you are with RACV, AAMI or GIO). As the terms and conditions on their website states, “If Budget Direct cannot beat the renewal price as verified by the renewal documentation provided, you will be sent a cheque for $50.”

So how does this work? Does anyone ever get the money? When is it more financially sensible for them to go, “Gee, I don’t think we can on this occasion lower our fees to price match our competitor and consequently gain a customer that will give us thousands and thousands of dollars over many years. Bob! Write another cheque for fifty bucks!”

Flight Centre’s latest deal is even more ridiculous.

Picture this… Flight Centre has one price for a flight and you tell them of a cheaper flight that is being offered by another Australian airline. You have to show them written evidence of the cheaper flight and the consultant has to check and verify that is it actually a valid flight. Once all these criteria have been met, the consultant has a choice – either they beat the offer by $1, or they give you the flight for free!

That’s right! It either costs them charging you $1 less than their competitor or it costs them charging you $0. On what planet does anyone ever get a free flight out of Flight Centre?

Sure, you may say that the whole “fly for free” thing is just meant to be seen as not the point and that they’re really just saying, “we will always beat our competitors”. But as the above picture shows, they really push the FLY FREE as a genuine deal that could be taken by any customer.  On their website, there’s even a tab that simply states “Fly Free”.

Both of these deals are just ways of suckering you in to going with their business as they offer you something that it’s never in their interests to follow through with. They might as well say, “If we can’t beat our competitor, we’ll give you the entire store and pay all your bills for twenty years!” That would impress a lot of people, and maybe even get some suckers to walk through the door, but anyone with half a brain would see through the stupidity of the offer. But make it not a spectacular, like a free flight or a $50 cheque and people are blind to way they are being suckered in.

It’s like a deal that was being offered at a pub/bistro near my work. The Doutta Galla Hotel in Flemingtonhad a sign on every table stating that if, when you ordered your meal, they didn’t offer you garlic bread, you got the meal for free. They weren’t offering you garlic bread for free. They were asking you if you wanted to purchase garlic bread… At $4.90 a pop, mind you!

So basically they were trying to upsell you. Hoping that you will buy some garlic bread that you didn’t originally want or ask for. And if they didn’t annoy you with this suggestion to buy something extra, you get the meal for free! I would think that not being pestered to buy something I didn’t want was reward enough! But no, they want to pay for my entire meal!

This was clearly just set up, not to better serve their customers, but as an incentive for the staff to get into the habit of upselling. If some poor staff member did happen to forget to suggest garlic bread and the customer got their meal for free, I’m sure you can imagine who would have to pay for the meal in the end.

While the deal was on I always wondered what would happen if I went up to the counter and said, “I’d like the Chicken Parma and THAT’S ALL! NOTHING MORE!” What would they have done? Would they lean on the side of good customer service and not suggest I buy something I clearly didn’t want to buy? Or would they so avoid having to give me the meal for free, that they would still ask me?

What about if I had said, “I’d like to order 6 serves of garlic bread… No, seven. Yes, seven. That will be completely satisfying. I won’t need any more garlic bread after that!” Or what would they have replied if I said, “I’d like to order the Greek salad but make sure there’s no garlic in the dressing. See, I’m allergic to garlic and will die if I even smell it. And make sure there’s no croutons either. I can’t have any bread products or else I break out in a pus-filled sores over my entire body.”

I’m curious as to what they would say.

Would they begin to twitch and start saying “Error! Error!” as steam came out of their robotic ears?

Would they whisper to me saying, “Look, I know you’ll say no, but my boss’ll kill me if I don’t offer you some garlic bread.”

Or would they just stare at me like a cow standing in the middle of a country road, and ask, “Would you like garlic bread with that?”

Stupid.

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