November 11 2014

God should NOT be number #1 on your list

Person Marking in a Checkbox 5722106

 

Is God number #1 in your life? Does God get first priority? Do you seek to worship God, serve God and love God before you get on with the rest of your life?

calculatorThese can be challenging questions. In fact, it was questions like these that got me thinking about God twenty years ago. I had always believed that God existed, but I realised that God had always been a small part of my life. I treated him like a calculator. I always had my calculator handy. I didn’t want to live life without a calculator. But when did I reach in my pocket and take engage with my calculator? Well, only when I had a problem to solve. I treated God in the same way. I had no issue believing God existed, but I didn’t really engage with God unless I was thinking about the meaning of life, or if I would ever get a girlfriend, or if I would be caught for doing something naughty. God was convenient, but no a big part of my life.

I came to see that if my life was a movie, I was the star and God was just an extra. The good thing was, as soon as I came to see that, I knew instinctively that that was wrong. If I believed in God at all (which I did) then he couldn’t simply be a bit part. He was too big for that. He was God! When it came to the meaning of life, God either didn’t exist at all or else he had to have everything to do with it!

So began a spiritual journey for me that would lead me to hear the gospel about Jesus and what he had done on the cross to reconcile me to God. At aged 16, I gave up my crown and let God take his rightful place as #1 in my life. That is, in very simplistic terms, what it means to repent and become a Christian. We say sorry for trying to rule our own life, we thank Jesus for dying for our sins so we can be forgiven, and we treat God as he deserves and we commit to following Jesus as “Christ” – God’s appointed king.

When I first became a Christian, this meant that on my list of priorities, God moved right up the top of the list. First came God, then came my family and friends, then everything else. This way of thinking, still challenges me and I hope it challenges you as well. As you get older and your life is filled with many more responsibilities, you have to keep considering your priorities. It is very difficult to assess whether God is #1 in your life. I work 40 hours a week, and only do around 6-8 hours of God-focussed stuff a week. Does that mean my job is more important to me than God? I only give away about a quarter of my wage to charities and gospel ministries. Does that mean I serve money more than God? I watch more YouTube than pray, I eat more often than I read the bible and I sleep for longer than I serve others. I only go to church one day a week and that for only a couple of hours! Does that mean that I worship myself for the other 166 hours a week? Well, of course not. In fact, I have never really thought like that. Fortunately, back when I was still a teenager and a baby Christian, I went to a youth event where I heard a speaker challenge that whole idea.

God should NOT be #1 in your life. God should not be at the top of the list of your priorities.

God is not #1 on the list…

God IS the list.

In Mark 12:28-34, when Jesus was asked by an Old Testament scholar about which was the most important commandment of all, the question was about what was #1 in the long list of rules that God had given in the law. Jesus blew that way of thinking out of the water with his answer. He pointed the man to the Old Testament law book Deuteronomy and quotes chapter 6, verse 4 and 5. These verses weren’t one of the laws. They were the premise behind all of the laws. This is what Jesus said to the man’s question:

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.”

Jesus says the most important thing we must do is love Yahweh (the “Lord”) with everything you have – your heart, soul, mind and strength. Everything! God shouldn’t just be our #1 priority. If we are to follow Jesus’ words then God must be the one thing that ALL of our priorities are shaped by. We must love God with every part of our life. That means that every dollar I spend is God’s money, every hour I work I am doing ministry. Worship is not just something I do on a Sunday. Every category on my list is a form of worship. God is not #1 on my list, he is the paper that the list is written on. He is the pen that writes what goes on the list and what stays off it. God IS the list.

dv1395020The danger with talking about God as your #1 priority, is that you can fool yourself into believing that he has nothing to do with your #2 priority or #3 priority. That sort of Christian can go to church, give money to charity, even read his bible and pray or be involved in ministry, and yet cheat on his wife on the side. Or maybe it’s not so dramatic. Maybe he just likes to play computer games and resents his wife and children for invading that little bit of space that is just his own.

For a Christian, there is not time that is “just our own”. There is not one cent in our bank account, not one second of our day, not one breath in our lungs that is not God’s. We are completely his. As Paul says, “You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)

We must not compartmentalise our Christian lives. God is not simply the most important one of our various priorities. He is not simply the one we attend to first, before going off to engage in our other pursuits. We should love God with everything we have. He is not just #1. He is #1 to infinity.

Or, as God himself puts it in the very last chapter in the bible: “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the First and the Last, the Beginning and the End.”

He IS the list.

So reflect on this… Where is God in your life? Is he on the list at all? Or do you treat him like a calculator or an extra in the movie where you are the star?

Maybe you need to flip the whole thing around. That what the word “repent” actually means. Stop ignoring God and stop feeling guilty that God should have a bigger role in your life. Don’t just “prioritise” God. Give him him everything. Give him the crown. Give him your heart, soul, mind and strength. Give him the pen and the paper and let him be more than just #1 in your life. Let him be your life.

pen-and-paper-890x342

 

 

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September 9 2014

How the Virgin Mary led me to Christ

Rosary

 

Becoming a Christian was for me a bit like getting married. I can remember the a specific day, the specific moment that I put my trust in Christ and was reconciled to God. But, like any relationship, there is often a long relational process before a commitment is made. The process that takes us from being a stranger (or even enemy) of God to being a friend, is often a very interest journey of wooing and being wooed, of exploring and asking questions. Every Christian I have ever met has an interesting and unique story of how they came to know Jesus. God brings people into our life and circumstances along our path in order to lead us to understand and respond to the gospel. I definitely had that experience. One of the interesting things God used in my journey was… the Catholic Rosary.

I was brought up going to Catholic Mass every Sunday and was sent to both a Catholic Primary and Secondary School. I didn’t know much about the finer points of Catholic theology, but I did come through that time with an understanding that God existed, that he was all powerful and that he loved me. In regard to Jesus and the gospel, I knew some of the very basic elements of the story, but that was it. If you had asked me “Why did Jesus die?” I would have responded faithfully with the answer, “He died for my sins.” But I would have had absolutely no idea what that meant, why that was necessary or what impact that should make to my life.

monty-python-meaning-of-life-god-and-earth-terry-gilliamAround the age of 16, God began to prompt me and I started asking some of the big questions about the meaning of life. I started to wonder what the point of everything was and if God had anything to do with it. I had no problem believing that God existed, but it started to seem odd to me that, if he existed, why didn’t he feature more prominently in my life? Wasn’t God the biggest thing there was in the Universe? How could he just be a small character in my story – almost just an extra in the background? I concluded in the end, if God existed and there was a meaning to life, then those two things HAD to be inextricably linked. God had to be what it was all about, or else, God wasn’t really God.

Now, I know, many people who are brought up in the Catholic Church take that last option and conclude that the God that they were taught about as a child was just a fairy tale like Santa that you should just grow out of. That was not my story. My own experience didn’t include God, but my worldview did. I thought then, as I still think now, that the world makes much more sense with God than without God. Some see this inconsistency with worldview and their personal experience as a sign that their worldview is faulty. For me, it was a sign that what needed to change was my personal experience.

So I began to explore more about God, asking questions, talking to people and generally being more interested in spiritual things. I could share all the things that God brought into my life during this time, but I want to share just one of the key moments that was quite a turning point for me.

At the Catholic High School I went to we did Religious Education (or RE as it was called). Now we didn’t always learn about Catholic teaching and practises, but during this season of spiritual rosary002searching I remember one class where we were learning about the Catholic Rosary.

If you don’t know what the Rosary is, let me try to explain it to you. It’s a set of beads linked together in a necklace, that is used as an aid for prayer and meditating. There is nothing magical in the beads themselves, it’s just that each bead represents a prayer and so you feel along with your fingers one bead at a time and pray the appropriate prayer as you go. You travel around the circle of the necklace which is broken up into five sections. Each section has ten beads in it and is called a “decade”. There is also one single bead that separates each “decade”. Every time you come along to one of these single beads, you pray the “Our Father” (or “The Lord’s Prayer” as it is otherwise known). Then you move through the “decade” and for each one of those ten beads, you pray the “Hail Mary“.

Now, I’m not going to comment here about what I think about the Hail Mary prayer, or about devotions to Mary in general, even about the dangers about repetitively praying the Our Father (other than to say that I obviously have problems with them all). At the time, during this RE class back in High School, I was more intrigued by what you were expected to do during each decade. Apart from praying the Hail Mary 10 times, you are also meant to meditate and reflect on a particular religious story. These are called “Mysteries”. Every time you do a circuit of the Rosary, you think about five different Mysteries. In Catholic tradition there are four different types of Mysteries – the Joyful Mysteries, the Luminous Mysteries, the Sorrowful Mysteries and the Glorious Mysteries. You can see what they all are HERE.

So, to conclude (in case you’re losing track), to completely pray the Rosary, you will go around the necklace 4 times, each time reflecting on 5 different Mysteries, so that in the end you have thought about 20 different religious stories (and prayed the Hail Mary over 200 times!) Now, as a teenager just starting to look into the bible, I was interested in these “Mysteries”. I wanted to look up these stories and investigate them myself.

I remember I had a little pamphlet which included all the Mysteries next to a religious picture depicting the story. Underneath each one was the Bible reference where you could find the story recorded. It looked like the picture below…

 

mary card

 

I was going through them all and noticing how each bible passage clearly referred to the Mystery. This was, until I got to the last two “Glorious Mysteries”. You can see them above in the bottom right hand side of the picture and from the bible passage listed there, you might be able to see what I mean. These two stories are called The Assumption and The Coronation.

The Assumption is the idea that Mary didn’t actually die, but was assumed into heaven. This stems from the Catholic idea that Mary was sinless and so could not have died – as death is a punishment or consequence for our sinfulness. The Coronation is the idea that because Catholics see Mary as the Mother of God, after she was assumed into Heaven she was then crowned as Queen over all creation. This is how the Catholic Catechism puts it: “Finally the Immaculate Virgin, preserved free from all stain of original sin, when the course of her earthly life was finished, was taken up body and soul into heavenly glory, and exalted by the Lord as Queen over all things”.

Now, even as a teenager who didn’t know the bible from a bar of soap, that seemed to be a bit of a stretch to get to from the passages referred to in the Rosary pamphlet. Look at the passage that get used as a “proof text” for The Assumption. It says: “You are the glory of Jerusalem … You are the splendid boast of our people … God is pleased with what you have wrought. May you be blessed by the Lord Almighty forever and ever!” (Judith 15:9-10)

Now, not only is Judith an Old Testament book (and so is not a story about Mary), it is one that is disputed as to whether it is actually part of the Bible (Protestants refer to these books as “apocryphal“, meaning “obscure” or “non-canonical”). Also, look how many time the quote uses an Ellipsis (the three dots “…”). This refers to the quote being majorly edited.

judithI noticed this and so looked up the passage in the book of Judith in my Catholic bible. The whole section reads: “The high priest Joakim and the elders of the Israelites, who dwelt in Jerusalem, came to see for themselves the good things that the Lord had done for Israel, and to meet and congratulate Judith. When they had visited her, all with one accord blessed her, saying: ‘You are the glory of Jerusalem, the surpassing joy of Israel; You are the splendid boast of our people. With your own hand you have done all this; You have done good to Israel, and God is pleased with what you have wrought. May you be blessed by the Lord Almighty forever and ever!’ And all the people answered, ‘Amen!'”

You can guess how amazed I was when I saw that the passage wasn’t about Mary, but about about a woman named Judith in the Old Testament! And even Judith wasn’t being assumed into heaven due to her sinlessness. She was being congratulated for her assistance in winning a battle. This was a very poor proof text to use, I thought.

The passage used for The Coronation story wasn’t much better, but at least it was from a non-disputed book from the New Testament. The verse was Revelation 12:1 which read “A great sign appeared in the sky, a woman clothed with the sun, with the moon under her feet, and on her head a crown of twelve stars.” Well, that at least sounded like it could fit a picture of a coronation with the whole “crown of twelve stars”. But as I read the passage and the verses around it, I realised it was a prophetic vision and that the woman being talked about wasn’t referring to a real woman like Mary, but, as the verse calls it, a “sign”. There was no crowning ceremony taking place, no bestowing of Queen-like authority over all creation. 

I was very confused. Surely, I had missed something. Clearly, I just didn’t know my Bible well enough.

I went to my RE teacher and asked her about it. I said, “The verses given don’t really talk about Mary being assumed into heaven or crowned Queen of all things. If it’s not in the bible… where did the story come from?”

Without a hint of concern, my RE teachers casually said, “Oh, they’re things the Church developed later.”

I was floored. A little bubble of trust burst in my 16 year old brain.

“Developed later??” I thought to myself, “So, they’re not in the Bible? Why should I trust it then? Why did they even try to use a bible verse to back it up? What else do I believe isn’t in the Bible? What else have I been taught isn’t actually true?”

It was like a reversal of the epiphany that Martin Luther had about Romans 1:17 which was the catalyst for the Reformation. For Luther, he discovered something that was in the Bible which he hadn’t been believing. With me, I discovered that something I had been believing, wasn’t actually in the Bible.

And with that, my own journey of reformation began. It involved a lot of questions and hours of conversation and lots and lots of reading the bible.

group-prayerA few months later, this journey led me to a point where I turned to the Christian I was sitting next to at a Christian event and asked, “Ok… So what do I have to believe in order to be born again?” This guy, who I didn’t really know that well, calmly and clearly took me through a few passages in the book of Romans (which I have since learned is something called “The Romans Road“).

With each verse I nodded and said, “Yep, I believe that” and when he got to the end I said, “Is that it?” “That’s it.” he replied. And so, that very night, I sat around a kitchen table in Coburg with a small group of Christian friends and I thanked Jesus for dying for me and asked him to become the Lord of my life.

My life has never been the same since.

Now, nearly 20 years later, I reflect back on that RE class and my little “reformation” moment. During that whole journey, I never felt like I was rejecting the Catholic Church or the faith I was brought up in. In fact, quite the opposite. I was discovering the Jesus that I had always been taught about, I was learning what it meant for Jesus to “die for my sins” and I was beginning a real, personal relationship with the God I always knew existed.

And even though I do believe the Catholic Church has many things wrong with it, including some of its unbiblical ideas about Mary, the only reason why I questioned that Rosary pamphlet was because, even as a teenager, I had a deep conviction that the Bible was where the truth about God would be found. I thought, if it wasn’t in the Bible, then why should we believe it?

Now, where did that idea come from? Well, it came from the Catholic Church, of course. The Catholic Church instilled in me such a respect for the Bible as God’s Word, that in the end, it challenged me to read the Bible for myself and it led me to the gospel of Jesus.

And for that I will literally be eternally grateful…

 

 

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September 1 2014

Pain, grief and the muck in the lake

Recently, some of the deep pain I experienced during the breakdown of my first marriage has resurfaced and I am going through a journey at the moment to process some of this pain and see what God has for me to learn through it. It has been over five years since my divorce, and it is around 8 and a half years since my first wife and I separated. God has done great healing in my heart over many of the griefs associated with the end of my first marriage, including providing me with forgiveness and grace for my sinful part in what caused it to collapse. Even so, many years later, I am still working through the pain, trauma and wounding that the long period of separation brought into my life and heart.

I once heard an analogy about pain and grief that has stuck with me and continues to ring true to my experience. I thought I’d share it with you.

Pain is like muck in a lake. As the waves settle after a traumatic event, it may seem like the water becomes clear and still, but often it is just that the muck sinks deep down to the bottom of the lake and rests there for a while. We might know it is there, but the clarity of the still waters is so refreshing it is better for a time to let it be.

Digging worms2Sometimes we might be tempted to go digging around in the deep part of our lake looking to dislodge the muck that needs to be dealt with. We might be worried that we are simply avoiding pain and keeping it repressed and that that would be unhealthy. Sometimes that may be true, but generally, I would discourage digging around in your pain. God knows the right time and season that we are prepared to work through our grief. The most important thing to do is keep seeking God and listening to his Word and letting his Spirit convict you and teach you and guide you.

Psalm 139 is a great reflection for this. Verses 1-4 says: “You have searched me, Lord, and you know me. You know when I sit and when I rise; you perceive my thoughts from afar. You discern my going out and my lying down; you are familiar with all my ways. Before a word is on my tongue you, Lord, know it completely.” God knows our hearts so much better than we do. He knows everything that is going on at the bottom of our lake and he knows when and how we should deal with it. Rather than digging around trying to dislodge something you might not be ready to deal with, the best thing to do is to pray the words at the end of Psalm 139: “Search me, God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.”

Seek God and always allow him to search and lead you. God knows when it is the right time for the muck to be brought up from the bottom of your lake. He may do that directly through the prompting of his Spirit, or he may do that through life circumstances. God is sovereign over every part of your life. He will use an event or a conversation or some interaction as a stick that goes down into the water and stirs up the muck at the bottom. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, you may suddenly feel overwhelmed with the pain and emotions you thought were long gone, or at least, deeply buried.

When this happens, don’t fight it. In fact, see it as God’s kindness as he has sovereignly allowed for this muck to be stirred up at this time rather than any earlier when you may not have been able to deal with it. When the stick of life stirs up the muck in your lake, know that God probably has some healing in store for you. The important thing is to not ignore it. Let yourself feel the pain and be free to express it without embarrassment. The water that just recently looked so clear and still, now is swirling around with brown muck. It is unpleasant. In fact, it is really shitty. You may just want the pain to end, but don’t ignore it. This is just a season that you have to go through. Give read-holy-bibleyourself some time and make space in your life to allow God to do his work. Spend time in prayer and the study of the Bible, seeking God for what he wants you to reflect on or realise. Journal, draw, write, paint or even blog about what you are feeling. Talk through it with a wise and godly friend who can sit with you in your pain and continue to point you to the truths of God as they become relevant. It may be worth seeking professional counselling or meeting with your minister to give yourself the time and space to work through the pain.

Most importantly, keep bringing your muck to God. As it is dislodged from the bottom of the lake and comes to the surface, scoop it out and give it to God. Allow the truths of his Word to speak into your pain – to vindicate injustices done, to correct lies we believe about God, ourselves and others, and to remind you of the promises of God’s redemptive work, both in this life and especially in the New Creation, where God says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)

Then, as God brings you healing, insight, comfort and redemption, eventually that season will end. The waters will calm down and once again they will become still and clear. God will not have removed all of the muck. He knows us and knows how much of the process we can take. As he allowed the muck to come up, he will also allow some of the muck to sink back down. Be content with this. Not everything will be dealt with at once, and even if you spent your whole life in daily counselling, not everything will be dealt with in this lifetime. Pain and loss are a part of this broken world, and it is only when Jesus returns that this “old order of things” will have fully passed away.

Pain is like muck at the bottom of a lake. It is messy and unpleasant. It takes time to work through. It makes us long for the New Creation.

For me, in this season of swirling, muddy waters, I am daily feeling the pain of griefs that hurt me years ago. But I am also going through this season with great hope. I know that God loves me and will walk me through this time. I know God will not allow me to face anything that would completely crush my faith and joy as I keep putting my trust in him. I also know that God will do powerful and redemptive things through this time. I’m actually looking forward to it. The healing may be small. It may not deal with everything. But it will be exactly what I need for this time and this season. In that hope, I can walk through the pain rather than avoid it.

In fact, in the midst of this pain, I can scoop out the muck in my lake with joy.

a-man-looking-across-a-lake-into-dawn-kish

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of God’s glory displayed in the face of Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. 

We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.

It is written: “I believed; therefore I have spoken.” Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself. All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

(2 Corinthians 4:6-18)

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August 12 2014

A Poetic Reflection on Robin Williams’ Death

robin_williams_img_704

Robin Williams (1951-2014)

Another sad and tragic case
Of outward smiles and funny face
Hiding a pain no one could hear
Over the laughter, praise and cheers

Two times divorced would take their toll
Depression, drugs and alcohol
He slipped into a darker hole
He’d gained the world but lost his soul

But wipe away the comic mask
And deeper questions there you’ll ask
Is what this world will call “success”
Enough to cover up our mess?

The crowd’s applause his talent brought
His breathless death has now made naught
He has escaped only to run
Before an audience of One

Farewell Robin, you made me laugh
But now I’ll weep on your behalf

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July 19 2014

The Gift of Magic

magic night cropped

 

Magicians love magic for all sorts of reasons. Sure we all love that feeling of being able to amaze, impress and entertain, but magicians are not just in it for themselves and the stroking of their ego. Most of the magicians I have met love magic not simply for what they get out of it, but for how they use it to give something to others. As I meet more and more magicians, I have enjoyed discovering that different magicians like to give different things. There was one magician that used a dji mavic pro which is a drone with really awesome features. Some like to give their audiences a moment of pure wonder, where they lose a sense of what is real or what is logical and they return to that childlike state where anything is possible. Some go the other direction and present their magic as a sort of logic puzzle, challenging their audiences to try to work out how the illusion is accomplished.

nickSome magicians, like my friend Nick Kesidis, are fast and funny, displaying their magic with high energy and incredible skill and slight of hand. With this sort of magic, there is a sense that you know that you are missing something but that the magician is being too fast and clever for you to catch what they are doing. A magician like Nick pulls this off without making you feel like a fool, by being likeable and inviting. This sort of magic is more about impressing your audience and leaving them smiling and shaking their head with amazement, rather than filling them with magical wonder.

Another magician friend of mine, Simon Coronel, is different. Instead of giving his audience a 45 minute rollercoaster ride of an experience, he looks to give moments. His illusions are more individual and have more patter as they build up to a moment of amazement. He often makes the comment through his shows that your mind is being blown. That’s what he loves to give. He creates impossible objects like a rubik’s cube in a bottle or a printed image of a spoon that seems to bend before your eyes. Despite his ability to create these magical moments, he also does not try to convince you that he possesses any real magical powers, but rather that he is trying to capture your imagination and give you a mind blowing moment of illusion.

There are magicians who try to convince you that they really are magical, but I find they are not as interesting or popular. At least, not as much as they used to be. We live in a very cynical age and our society (especially in Australia) is not as impressed by someone who claims supernatural abilities. Even with mentalism magic, where the magician claims to read the spectator’s mind, people are very skeptical. Most magicians I know don’t fight this social trend though – they use it. Knowing their audiences are skeptical, they play off that. They openly and honestly accept the audience’s beginning premise that they are not really magical, and then they go and do something that totally defies that premise. They give the audience the opportunity to doubt their own scepticism, or at least they give their audience a puzzle that can’t be solved by their sceptical minds.

As an audience member of a magic show, we go into this relationship willingly. We want to know how it is done, but we also want to be fooled. We want to feel clever by working it out, but we also want to feel humbled by the world of the unknown. Some audience members truly do want to believe in magic, but nowadays, I think they are not the majority. Most simply want to be entertained by something amazing. Like going to a movie about talking apes taking over the world (guess what I’m going to see tonight?), we know there’s a lot of CGI special effects, but we want to lose ourselves in the magic of it all.


Thinking about all this and observing different magicians, has led me to reflect on what sort of magic I am interested in. As a magician, what do I want to give my audience? Wonder? Amazement? A puzzle? A laugh? Do I want them to feel frustrated? Impressed? Blown away? In awe? Confused? Amused?

As I have contemplated this, I have thought about what tricks I gravitate to. Not simply what tricks I enjoy watching, but also what tricks I naturally like to develop myself. What I have observed is that many of my original magic routines involve a rather silly premise. I often begin my tricks by making a ridiculous claim, which is obviously too silly to be believable and yet has an element of realism to it. A perfect example of this is my “Human Microscale” trick, where I claim to be able to detect the minute difference between the weight of each card. Check it out below if you haven’t seen it. It’s not a very sophisticated trick, but it’s still a bit of fun…

 

A trick like this is not supposed to make you believe in magic. The premise is supposed to be ridiculous. But on the other hand, it’s not too ridiculous, like claiming I have supernatural powers. It’s just enough for a small part of your brain to think, “Yeah… I could see how that might work” while the rest of your brain is going, “What? That’s stupid!” When I’m doing tricks like this, I love the look on people’s faces as I explain the premise. Some just laugh at the absurdity of it all, but others have this sceptical smirk as if they are saying, “Really Simon? Do you really believe you can do that?” I love that! It shows that I have achieved what I want. You see, I don’t want them to think that what I am claiming is possible, no matter how seriously I explain the idea. I want them to think it’s ridiculous. I want their natural, healthy scepticism. It makes it all the more fun, when I actually pull it off.

You see, when something impossible happens in a magical presentation, our brains are looking for a way out – a way to understand what just took place. Our modern sceptical brains are committed to not concluding that real magic just took place, so we look for the next best explanation. The principle of “Occam’s Razor” in philosophy says that when you have to choose between explanations, the simplest one is the most likely. So what is the most likely explanation in magic? Well, if you don’t give your audience an explanation (even if it is ridiculous) what they most likely will just think is “I missed something there” or “Wow! What an impressive magician!” Now if that’s your goal, then that’s fine! For me though, I like the idea that the brain is left battling with itself. That small part of the brain that believed my ridiculous premise is vindicated and laughs at the rest of the Memory-Puzzle-Brain-300x300sceptical brain saying, “See! I told you it could work!” while the rest of the brain is saying (as some of my friends actually do say) “Nup. I got nuthin’!” When there’s no logical explanation, the brain gravitates to the next best thing, which in my tricks is the ridiculous premise I opened the presentation with. The brain is then left fighting with itself, between the sceptical part that knows it’s right and that small part that found the premise believable.

This for me, is the sort of magical experience I want to give people. It sound weird when I articulate it, but I think it comes down to my interest in philosophy, neuroscience, belief systems and yes, even faith. You see, I am a Christian, and a fairly traditional one at that – in that I believe in God and the Bible and the deity or Jesus and the resurrection and the afterlife. I believe in lots of the things a modern sceptical society find doubtful. But I also like to challenge myself on why I believe those things. I like being challenged on my beliefs and being forced that have to justify or articulate them. I also know that most people – religious or not – begin with premises that rule out possibilities and we often go to the explanation that we have been told to believe or that we find the simplest. I like to explore that in my own mind and so I guess the sort of magic I like is the sort that plays with some of those ideas.

Magic is a wonderful, creative and entertaining art form. It is full of the visual spectacle of juggling, the humour of stand up, the curiosity of an optical illusion, the puzzle of a Sudoku, the wonder of CGI special effects and the amazement of a miracle. I look forward to continue on my creative journey in this art form – learning from other magicians and thinking about not only what I get from magic, but also what I love to give.
Write in the comments below what sort of magic you are interested in – whether you be a magician or just a spectator.

 

 

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June 30 2014

On the Road – What God cares more about

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Think of the parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke 15:11-32. Imagine there are three points in the story – The Father’s house, the pigsty and the road in between the two.
At one point, the son is in the pigsty, far from his father’s house, and at another point he is closer to his father, on the road.
Which of these two is a better place for him to be, do you think?

“On the road” you might say, because the closer you are to the father’s house the better.

Well, it would be understandable to think that, but you must consider this most important question… Which way is the son facing?

You see, at one point of the parable he was on the road, quite close to his father’s house, but he was walking away from the father. Being close to the father was no help to him because his direction was leading him further and further away.

But in that moment in the pigsty, when he came to his senses and turned back to begin his journey back home, he was in a much better position. He had repented. His direction was set and even though he was far from the father’s house, bankrupt, hungry and covered in mud, he was better off than that point on the road when he was facing away from his father.

wrong wayJesus uses this story as an analogy to the moment when someone turns in repentance back to God and he says, “there is rejoicing in the presence of the angels of God over one sinner who repents.” (Luke 15:10)

There are many stories throughout the gospels where Jesus makes the point that the most important thing to God is not your position (how “good” or “close” you are to God), but your direction (which way you are facing and the direction you are travelling in). He often challenged the outwardly “good” religious leaders of his day about how God was actually more pleased with “bad” people who had turned to God in repentance. He’d say things like, “Truly I tell you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes are entering the kingdom of God ahead of you. For John came to you to show you the way of righteousness, and you did not believe him, but the tax collectors and the prostitutes did. And even after you saw this, you did not repent and believe him.” (Matthew 21:31-32)

It’s not that God doesn’t care about how godly we are. It’s not that he doesn’t care about whether we lead a sinful or a holy life. It’s just that he cares about our DIRECTION more.

If you didn’t know, I run a little ministry called Elephant Room, where I have the privilege of supporting Christian guys as they journey out of an addiction to porn. The truth that God cares more about the direction they are travelling than exactly how much progress they have made, is a great encouragement to them. They can feel so overwhelmed by their failures and so far from where they know they should be as a Christian. It is important for them to be reminded that every time they repent, all of heaven throws a party! Every little step walking in the right direction is worth it, no matter how far the journey seems and no matter how small the step. God is glorified greatly by us facing the right direction. As King David wrote as he repented over his own sexual sin: “My sacrifice, O God, is a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart you, God, will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

Back in 2007, I came to learn this great truth on my own road out of an addiction to porn. To express it, I wrote a song called, “The Road”, which has these words in its first verse:

“When I wonder whether I am travelling fast enough I just remember, I am on the road.
Cos speed is not the key to be freed, the priority’s the direction that you go, there on the road.
I might fall and I might stumble, but I am on the road.
And my hope it won’t crumble, if I am on the road.”

 

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March 8 2014

Having Helpful Hard Conversations (Rules 6-9)

 

This is Part 2 of my 3-part post on “Having Helpful Hard Conversations”.

If you have not read Part 1, click HERE and go through it before reading on.

If you have read Part 1, before we tackle Rules 6-9, here is a refresher on Rules 1-5:

RULE #1: Love
Have an attitude of selfless love before engaging in conversation.

RULE #2: Choose the time and the place
Be wise and thoughtful about when and where you should talk.

RULE #3: “This is not going to come out right…”
Allow yourself and the other person freedom to talk it out.

RULE #4: Actively Listen
Really listen and make sure the other person feels you have heard them.

RULE #5: Be grateful that something hard was brought up
Before responding, thank them for their trust and honesty.

 

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Ok, let’s get back into it! Here are Rules 6-9 for having helpful hard conversations.

RULE #6: Trust their motives

If there exists little to no trust between two people, it is basically impossible to have a helpful hard conversation. If you believe that the other person is completely two-faced and you can’t believe a word that comes out of their mouth, then how will you be able to follow any of the other rules I have outlined? You may listen to their words, but your filter of mistrust will interpret them to simply be insincere, manipulative or deceptive. You will think, “Yeah, that’s what they’re saying, but I really know what they mean.” Both parties have to at least trust that the other person (deep deep down on their best day) is trying to engage in a helpful conversation. Without that trust, the whole thing collapses.trust-torn

Now, it is true that trust can be validly lost and that people need to work hard at earning trust when that happens, but I have also seen many times a hard conversation descend into an argument or not be able to start at all, simply because one person didn’t trust the intentions of the other. Now, in each of the situations I am thinking of, the non-trusting person had a valid reason to be skeptical of the trustworthiness of the other, but they fostered that mistrust and would not let it go. They were committed to not trusting the other person and this meant that the other person just didn’t have a chance. No matter how much they might try, the mistrusting person would look for any little sign that might justify their lack of trust and they would pounce on it! Lack of trust is poison to having helpful hard conversations.

Now, this may not be so obvious in your heart. You may need to reflect on whether you don’t really 100% trust the intentions of the person you are going to talk to. It may be subtle or rooted in deep pain or long term disappointments. It may be completely valid or it may be mixed with your own bias and self-defensiveness. Either way, it needs to be addressed if a helpful hard conversation is to be had. Firstly, you can be honest with the other person and share that you are having a lot of trouble trusting them. This may give them an opportunity to ask for a chance to just be heard out or to see what can be done to help build that trust before the conversation takes place. Secondly, you may need to repent of your lack of trust. That may sound a bit harsh, but if the person is not completely untrustworthy, you may be judging them unfairly by not giving them a chance. Not trusting someone is a defence mechanism – we use it to protect ourselves from not being hurt or mistreated. Sometimes it is very valid and sometimes it simply prevents us from moving forward and showing grace to people. Sometimes it is better to put your mistrust aside and make the conscious choice to trust the other person – or at least give them the benefit of the doubt. When you go into a hard conversation with a commitment to trusting the other person’s intentions, you will be allowing the other person to stumble through their words even if they potentially hit a nerve. You will think, “I can’t believe they said that, but I’ll trust that they are at least trying to engage”. This will allow you to have grace and patience and a listening ear.

RULE #7: Stick to the topic

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This is such a useful rule and one of the first ones I ever learnt – You can and must only have one hard conversation at a time. During a hard conversation, it is important to be clear about what you are talking about and ensure that any other issues that you may want to bring up – however important and valid – must wait for another time.

People bring up multiple issues during a hard conversation for three main reasons:

1. It may be that you actually have a few things you want to discuss (ie. The rude way your partner spoke to you the other day AND the fact that they’re always late). If that’s the case, even if all the issues are valid, it may be loving and wise to bring them up one at a time. Otherwise, the other person may feel overwhelmed and respond either by shutting down or getting aggressively defensive.

2. It may be that you only start with one thing that’s on your mind, but it is the catalyst that brings up all the other things you find frustrating  (ie. “You don’t help me when I’m tired. Like the other day, I came home with the groceries and you were talking to your mother. She bugs me sooo much! I can stand the way she always criticised me.”) Now the lack of help and the criticising mother may be both valid issues worth discussing, but you have to stick to one topic at a time. 

3. The third reason people bring up another topic is when they are wanting to defend themselves from the main issue being discussed. If the conversation is hard or is getting a little heated it is very easy for someone to raise a new issue in an attempt to strengthen their case, make the other person look bad and ultimately “win” the argument. For example, one person says, “I’m really worried about how much debt we’re in. We need to discuss your money management with somebody from Credit Help Kansas City MO.” Then the other person says, “Money management? You’re going to talk to me about managing money? You can’t even manage your drinking! What was that the other night at my parent’s place? You were so embarrassing!” “Well, maybe I wouldn’t drink so much if your family was less awkward!” And with a few sentences, three completely different issues have been brought up and the hard conversation is going nowhere helpful. Often the change of issue is more subtle than this, but hopefully you get the idea.

At times, it may be very hard not to bring up a different issue into the conversation. Like if someone wants to talk about a petty issue with you, when you’re really upset about a much more important issue that you want to bring up with them. But the goal of these rules is making sure you have helpful hard conversations. There are exceptions of course – like if your partner wants to discuss your nose-picking habit after you just found out they were cheating on you – but generally, you must only bring up one issue at a time. This rule needs to be something you both really agree on, so that at any time in the conversation, no matter who is “in the right”, either one of you can say, “Now, that’s a valid issue but that’s not what we are discussing right at the moment.” When this rule gets broken (as it often will in a hard conversation), you both need to be free to alert the other to the fact and you both need to respect it when it gets alerted.

RULE #8: Avoid absolute language

When we are having a hard conversation we often express ourselves in an emotionally charged way. Sometimes colourful or exaggerated language can be useful to get across an idea to someone who is downplaying the issue. Jesus even used “hyperbole” in this way at times (for example, “If your eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away.” – Matt 18:9) But exaggerated language can also be used unfairly and will often inspire people to become defensive.

The most common examples of absolute language is “You always”, “You never” and “You are”.

“You always/never” statements get used to express frustration about an ongoing behaviour (such as “You always leave the lights on!” or “We never go out any more!”). The problem with these sort of absolute statements is that they are just too easy to reject (ie. “If I always leave the lights on then every light in the house should be on now!” or “That’s ridiculous! We went out last month!”) It is wise to avoid these types of statements. Partly, because they just encourage the other person to feel justified in their behaviour because you’re obviously being over the top, but also because, when all is said and done, these statements just aren’t true.

If you want to be accurate and truthful, it might be best to say something like, “The last few nights, you’ve been leaving the light on” or “We haven’t gone on a date for a couple of weeks.” Even a statement like, “I feel like we never go out anymore” is much more productive because, although it is still an exaggeration, it is a statement about how you feel – which is something that should be acknowledged and addressed.Dunce-cap

“You are” statements are even more unhelpful. To bring up an issue and accuse someone of not just doing something, but being something, is an approach you want to be very careful about. Consider these statements: “You’re so lazy.” “You’re a liar.” “You’re so stupid sometimes.” “You’re disgusting.” “You’re a real dissappointment.” “You’re a terrible person to live with.” These are statements that can be easily thrown around during an emotional discussion, but they can hurt very deep. To say “you are” is to make a conclusion about someone’s character and identity. It is to define them. We may do this in order to strongly get our point across, but sometimes a lot more can be unintentionally communicated. The person you say it to may hear that you think that deep down they really are that type of person. You have now labelled them. The ironic thing is, once you label someone, there is actually a greater chance that they will continue in that behaviour. You see, they may actually believe the label you have given them, and once that happens, there will almost be a valid justification for them to act accordingly. If you call someone “lazy”or “stupid” or “disgusting” why would they change their ways?

The gospel has a completely different strategy. Those that turn to Christ are given a whole new identity. They become new creations! Who we are in Christ is defined, not by our present behaviour, but by the person God is turning us into. As Paul writes in Colossians 3:1-10…

“Since, then, you have been raised with Christ, set your hearts on things above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry. Because of these, the wrath of God is coming. You used to walk in these ways, in the life you once lived. But now you must also rid yourselves of all such things as these: anger, rage, malice, slander, and filthy language from your lips. Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.”

Do you hear how he instructs Christians to change their behaviour? Paul doesn’t say “you are sexually immoral, lustful, evil, greedy idolaters.” No, he says that a Christian’s “life is now hidden with Christ in God” and because that new identity is true, then we should live it out and “put to death” and “rid ourselves” of anything that doesn’t fit that new identity. Sometimes we think a person’s identity is defined by their behaviour, but often the exact opposite is true – people’s behaviour will be shaped by whatever they believe about their identity. Now this point may seem like a bit too deep theology or psychology for a discussion about how to have hard conversations, but it’s worth keeping in mind. Avoiding absolute language is a useful rule for keeping the conversation respectful, honest, kind and productive.

RULE #9: Allow absolute language

yellow card.jpgHaving said all that, you have to be gracious and allow absolute language now and then. Not in yourself. No, you should keep to this rule as much as possible. But if you’re in the midst of a heavy, hard, heated discussion and someone says, “You never listen to me!”, instead of pulling out the yellow card, you should probably just listen.

Go back to part 1 of this blog series and read the first few rules. If you are showing love (Rule #1) you won’t attack the person for breaking the rule about not using absolute language. If you accept Rule #3 you won’t expect it to “come out right” and so you’ll half expect the other person to use extreme or unreasonable words to try to express what they’re feeling. If you follow Rule #4 you’ll be focussed – not on the absolute language they just used – but on what they are trying to communicate and you’ll be doing more listening than reacting.

It’s funny to have a rule that straight up contradicts the one before it, but I remember that the Book of Proverbs – that ancient book of wisdom – often does the same thing. Like Proverbs 26:4-5…“Do not answer a fool according to his folly, or you yourself will be just like him. Answer a fool according to his folly, or he will be wise in his own eyes.” There is often great wisdom in finding the balance between two rules. In regard to having hard conversations, it is wise to be very careful what words you use, and at the same time, be gracious with other people (and yourself) if this rule takes a little practise to do naturally.

That’s true for all “rules” really. Rules are important and they keep us from hurting ourselves and others. I am convinced that we all followed all 13 rules I will outline over the 3 blog posts I will write, we would have much more helpful hard conversations. But we all are imperfect and we all need time to grow into new patterns of behaviour. I know I still have a long way to go before all these rules become second nature to me. So make sure you have a bit of grace and patience with people and with yourself as you grow in all this.

Now, I think I’ve written enough for you to chew over this time.

Rules 10-13 are about how best to “finish” a hard conversation, so I might leave that for another post.

Here’s what I will be covering:

RULE #10: Be ok with ending the conversation unresolved

RULE #11: Respond with what you both understand and what you will both do

RULE #12: Pray

RULE #13: You both have to be more committed to the rules than the conversation

I hope some of these Rules you have found thought-provoking and helpful.

Please write your comments and thoughts below!

For a bit of a laugh, here is Brad Pitt explaining his “rules” for the art of conversation.

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October 27 2013

Having Helpful Hard Conversations (Rules 1-5)

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For many years I have been interested in learning how to have hard conversations that are productive, respectful and helpful.

When a topic of conversation is “hard” it is usually very important to one or both parties and it is often emotionally charged. Because of this, it is easy for hard conversations to descend into a yelling match or a hurtful attack or one person just shutting down completely. A hard conversation can end with one or both parties feeling even more distant and upset and unheard. Is that your experience? Well, if it is, know that there are a few simple rules that you can follow to help you and your friend, colleague, housemate, partner or family member have helpful hard conversations in the future.

These rules are not psychological theories. They are tried and true practical steps that my wife Cat & I employ with great deliberateness every time we have a hard conversation. They are the reason that we have almost never had a fight. Sure we’ve had lots and lots of hard conversations (in fact our year long dating relationship seemed to be one big boot camp of hard conversations), and we’ve also had the occasional heated argument – some that didn’t go very well. But as we learnt and applied the rules outlined below, we got better and better at having hard conversations and now, nearly two years into our marriage, I would have to say it’s possibly the aspect of our relationship that we do best incommunicating-love

The best thing about knowing how to have helpful hard conversations is that it has a wonderful “snowball” effect. Every time you have a hard conversation that leaves you feeling closer and more intimate and positive about what was just discussed, your trust in the other person grows. You develop a confidence that you can share anything with them and that they could share anything with you, and even when you hit something really difficult (like talking about an issue of sin or something very personal) you can go into the conversation knowing that however hard it is going through it, you will get through it and be better off for it.

If you’d like to see that sort of trust and confidence grow in your relationships, then read on and try to start employing the following rules.

(Note: I have presently come up with 13 rules for having hard conversations. I will post them over three blogs to make each post easier to read and reflect on)

 

RULE #1: Love

If you need to bring up a hard conversation, check your heart and your motives. If you are a Christian, you know that you are commanded by Jesus to even love your enemies, so there is no excuse for bringing up something hard with the motive of hurting, shaming or condemning the other person.

20131027-134508.jpgConsider Paul’s words in 1 Corinthians 13:4-6… “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.” Loving someone doesn’t mean you avoid hard conversations, after all, love rejoices with the truth! What love means is that you do so in a way that is marked by humility and selflessness. If you are just trying to pick a fight or get something off your chest, you will not be able to follow any of the other rules outlined below. As the first verse of 1 Corinthians 13 says, “If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.” That definitely describes what a loveless hard conversation can end up sounding like! Selfless love must guide all of our hard conversations, so before you bring something up, make sure you search your heart, test your motives and ask God to give you genuine love for the person you need to talk to.

Note: If, in the end, you can’t control your emotions or the topic of the hard conversation is so painful you just can’t think about acting lovingly, then consider bringing in a neutral third party (be it a mutual friend, pastor, or counsellor) to mediate the hard conversation. This in itself may be the most loving thing to do.

 

RULE #2: Choose the time and the place

There is no perfect time or place to have a hard conversation. By definition, hard conversations are… hard. In fact, in an effort to follow this rule, you can put off having a hard conversation almost indefinitely.
Having said that, in following the number #1 rule of Love, you will think about when and where it is most loving to have a hard conversation. In general, here are a few times or places that may not be the wisest to have a hard conversations:

  • When it’s late: This is a hard one to avoid, as you may have developed a habit of having deep and meaningful conversations ONLY late at night, but hard conversations during the day usually give both parties more time, energy and headspace.
  • When one or both of you are tired, unwell, stressed, angry or emotionally drained: Again, you may never be able to avoid these factors, but keep them in mind and see if waiting a day or two might be the best thing.willens_girlsfight_post
  • In public: Having a hard conversation when you’re out a a restaurant or when you’ve got friends over is just unfair. It creates opportunities for shaming and embarrassing that may feel satisfying, but do not come from a motivation of love. Also, if the hard conversation is stirring up emotions, the public setting will not allow either party to freely express themselves.
  • When you have limited time: It is unwise to start a hard conversation on the drive to an event or just before someone has to go to work. The pressure created by the limited time may easily make the conversation descend into an argument.
  • When you one or both of you needs time to think: You or the other person may not be great at having long conversations or articulating what you are feeling or thinking. It may be worth just flagging the conversation and it’s topic and asking if it can be thought about and talked about at another designated time. Yes, that may mean you say something like, “Darling, I want us to discuss how you spend your money. I know it may be a hard conversation, so I was wondering if we could talk about it tomorrow night.” Now, naturally the other person may have a few questions, and it may be fair and loving to clarify what you mean, but it still maybe good to suggest that the full conversation take place after you’ve both had time and space to reflect. If you start a hard conversation and you then realise the other person needs more time to think before they can properly respond, you would be loving to ask if they wanted to postpone the conversation til a later date. Putting the conversation on pause will take a lot of selflessness, as you probably needed a lot of courage just to bring up the hard conversation, but if may be vital for your conversation to be truly helpful.

TRY THIS: When there doesn’t need to be a hard conversation, ask your partner, friend or family member, this question: “If I ever had to bring up a hard issue with you, what would be the best way to do it? What sort of time and environment do you need to be able to hear me out and respond well?” Different people like different things. Some like physical space, some like their hand to be held. Some like it while relaxing at home, some like it while going for a walk. Now, of course, even this conversation may be a hard one for you to have if your relationship with the person is distant or strained, but when it is possible, learning the best time and place to have hard conversations may save you both a lot of grief.

 

RULE #3: “This is not going to come out right…”

When addressing a hard topic of conversation, one of the best ways of communicating properly is to “talk it out”. This means you have to just say whatever you can and then refine your words and your thoughts in discussion with the person listening. The problem is, the first few things we say may sound a lot harsher than we intend them to be. But the damage is done. The words are out there, and the other person has already begun defending themselves or attacking you back.

DemersOne of the main reasons we avoid hard conversations is we don’t know how best to explain what we are feeling and thinking. We worry that the person we want to talk to will not hear us out or hear us properly. We worry about communicating the wrong thing and hurting the other person unintentionally.

My solution to this is Rule #3. Before bringing up a hard conversation, you simply say, “This is not going to come out right…” and then you just keep going. What that opening statement does is give you permission to say what is on your mind before you have fully processed it. It allows you to get it off your chest. It opens up the discussion without an expectation that the words are going to be perfect or even completely accurate! It just gets the ball rolling.

It is very useful for the person being approached as well. It asks them to be patient and to not react straight away. It allows them to put down their defences a bit and just listen and allow the person to talk it out for a bit.

Now, it may feel a bit fake or artificial to start every hard conversation with the same 8 words, but if you both are aware of Rule #3, then it will remind you both of its purpose. Nowadays, my wife and I rarely use this rule as explicitly. For us now, it is often our “unspoken rule” where we both know when we begin a hard conversation that “this is not going to come out right”. But for the first year or two of our relationship we followed this rule, word for word. It served us very well and allowed us to have many helpful hard conversations. If you still feel like your working out how to have hard conversations with someone, I recommend allowing this opening sentence to be part of your agreed vocabulary.

 

RULE #4: Actively Listen

This rule is particularly relevant for the person who is approached, rather than the person initiating the hard conversation. If someone has asked, “Can we talk?” you’re probably a little nervous. If they then start by saying, “This is not going to come out right…” then you really will be worried. But hopefully you will also be patient and willing to let them talk it out. Your goal, before responding, before apologising, before defending, before correcting, before speaking… is to listen. As James (the brother of Jesus) writes: “My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.” (James 1:19-20) That’s great counsel – quick to listen and slow to speak.

Listening-nowThis is primarily what most people want when they are bringing up a hard conversation. We all want to be heard and understood. Even more than we want people to change, even more than we want people to apologise, we want them to first simply acknowledge what we are feeling. We want to be known and we want to know that the other person “gets us”. During a hard conversation, both parties must put listening as the primary goal of the conversation. If both parties are just trying to fight for their own voice to be heard then the conversation will descend into a battle of words.

There are many techniques for what the communication books call “active listening“. The most common and most helpful is repeating back to the person what you have heard them say. Even if you simply repeat word for word what they just said to you, it can be helpful to make sure they know that you have heard them. Other times, the person will find it more helpful if you put it in your own words, so that it shows that you have not only heard them, but you understand what they mean. The danger of this, is when people get too interpretative or when they filter what the person actually said through their own insecurities or wrong perceptions. For example: Mel says “I think it’s time we started going to the gym together.” Then Sam says, “So… you’re saying I’m fat and you find me repulsive?” This is bad active listening.

Basically, you never want the other person to have to say, “No, that’s not what I said!” Make sure you listen – carefully, intentionally, actively. To me, active listening is not so much a technique, but an attitude. It is an expression of love for the other person. Even if they are saying something that sounds harsh or unfair or ridiculous, you want to hear them out without judgement. You want to listen and you want them to feel heard.

REFLECT: One of the main reasons why people don’t bring up hard conversations is because they don’t feel like the other person will really listen. Are you that person? Think of your loved ones, your family members, your work colleagues. Do they possibly avoid talking to you about hard issues because you are prone to being quick to speak and slow to listen? Maybe ask someone if that’s true of you.

 

RULE #5: Be grateful that something hard was brought up

Try this next time someone brings up something hard with you… Thank them. Thank them that they told you about your bad breath. Thank them that they want to discuss your porn use. Thank them that they brought up the issue of your inappropriate parents. Before you respond, even if the hard topic has pushed all your buttons, make sure you take a breath… and thank them.

Why? Well, think about it. Bringing up the hard conversation with you would have been quite nerve-wracking. They would be worried about how you’ll react, worried if it’s worth bringing up, worried if they should just let it go, worried that you’ll misunderstand them. They may even be worried that bringing up this hard topic, whatever it is, might jeopardise your relationship with them. They faced all those worries and in the end decided that honesty was the best policy. They decided that you were worth it. And they also decided that you could take it. They put a lot of trust in you to bring this topic up. In fact, you could see their efforts to have this hard conversation as an incredible compliment! That’s right! Telling you that your breath stinks could actually be a compliment!

Get-Rid-OF-Bad-Breath

I keep bring up the “bad breath” example, because that is actually a hard conversation that Cat & I had a few months into our dating relationship. I’d like to say I wasn’t the one with the bad breath, but unfortunately that’s not true. Cat was terrified about bringing it up, but it was a real issue for her and so she awkwardly, nervously and bravely started the hard conversation. Now, of course, I was embarrassed and in the moment I would have preferred for Cat to simply endure my face-melting halitosis rather than to have to talk about it, but even back then, I knew the principle of Rule #5. Very quickly I said, “Thank you Cat. That would have taken a lot of courage to bring that up. Bad breath is one of those taboo topics that no one talks about, so it really shows that you value this relationship to want to talk to me about it. It also shows that you trusted that I wouldn’t fly off the handle. Thank you.” Immediately, Cat let out a sigh of relief and we began a conversation that was a little less hard and much more helpful.

 

Now, that’s all I’ll give you to think about for now. I will leave the other rules for another blog post.

But if you’re curious as to what they are, I have put them below.

RULE #6: Trust their motives

RULE #7: Stick to the topic

RULE #8: Avoid absolute language

RULE #9: Allow absolute language

RULE #10: Be ok with ending the conversation unresolved

RULE #11: Respond with what you both understand and what you will both do

RULE #12: Pray

RULE #13: You both have to be more committed to the rules than the conversation

 

Try putting them into practise. Read through this blog with your partner or friend and discuss, how you can implement them. That itself may be a hard conversation!

If any of them are helpful, please post a comment (I always appreciate them) and feel free to share this blog with others.

Finally, here’s something, just for a laugh!

 

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July 24 2013

death – a poem

Jesus tombstone

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


death

a poem by Simon Camilleri

I’m not afraid of death

I have no fear to take that final breath

I have no need to clasp

And clammer to hold my life within my grasp

Death has no sting

When your life is held by life’s King

See, I have already faced

My death when Jesus died in my place

He died my death for me

Exhausting my sin’s deserved death penalty

What could I do

But repent from my allegiance to

The sin that caused his death

Opening my empty hands to receive this gift

In the blinking of an eye

My life estranged from Life did die

And it was then

That my new life was born again

And so I now fear not

That my body will one day begin to rot

My end already came

My death certificate already framed

My funeral is done

And now my everlasting afterlife has come

And though I still

In some sense live in wait until

Jesus returns again

I do not live in fear of the end

When I farewell mortality’s strife

I won’t face death – but more and better life

So now I am free to live

A life where I am free to give

Free to bless

With blissful self-forgetfulness

Without a thought

Of holding on to what I’ve bought

For Jesus’ sacrifice

Has bought my life and paid the price

That I could never pay

And so for him I live today and every day

Free of fear

Even as death draws daily near

.
“Jesus shared in our humanity so that by his death

he might break the power of him who holds the power of death — that is, the devil —

and free those who all their lives were held in slavery by their fear of death.”

(Hebrews 2:14-15)

.

“Listen, I tell you a mystery:

We will not all sleep, but we will all be changed –

in a flash, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet.

For the trumpet will sound, the dead will be raised imperishable, and we will be changed.

For the perishable must clothe itself with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality.

When the perishable has been clothed with the imperishable, and the mortal with immortality,

then the saying that is written will come true: “Death has been swallowed up in victory.”

Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?

The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.

But thanks be to God! He gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”

(1 Corinthians 15:51-57)

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June 2 2013

Living “Free-to-air” Free

Break glass BLOG

I’ll never forget how my Year 10 Media Studies teacher described television: “TV is a series of programs to keep you watching in between the commercials.” It may have been a bit of a cynical view (I’m sure there are many artistic purists in the television industry), but from that point on I began noticing how much advertising was on television.

TV+addictAn average prime-time show on tv has about 20 minutes of advertising PER HOUR! That means 1/3 of your viewing time is filled with companies telling you that you need to buy their product or service. That is why “free-to-air” TV is not really free. You have to pay in time and brain space as your mind is filled with messages of materialism, greed, dissatisfaction and the woes of “first world problems”. And the hope is that you will continue to pay when you step into your nearest shopping centre or drive past your local car yard. If the marketplace was a church, then TV commercials are their never-ending sermon!

For many years I wanted to try an experiment… to live “free-to-air” free. I realised that free-to-air tv did not hold much interest for me. This was not always the case. When I was young, it was a real family treat to sit down and watch “Hey, Hey it’s Saturday” or “Murder She Wrote” or even “Neighbours” when it first came out. But over the years, as more and more “reality television” shows filled the time slots and it became easier to purchase tv series that I liked on DVD, I came to realise what tv had become in my life – Plonkvision. It was the thing I turned on in the morning as I had my breakfast and it was the thing I turned on when I came home from school or Uni or work as I plonked on the couch. It was mindless background noise.absloute-reality-tv

I wondered what my life would be like if I didn’t have free to air tv. I wasn’t so radical as to consider getting rid of the tv altogether. No way! My dad had brought me up on a staple diet of classic movies and my love for cinema is something I really enjoyed. I also had purchased a playstation 3 and a nice tv, so the bold move of getting rid of all that was probably not on my radar! But I did muse about whether I really needed the aerial. That little cord that connected me to the plonkvision world of two thirds reality tv and one third commercials. Would I really miss it?

Well, at the beginning of 2012, as I was moving into the apartment where my soon-to-be wife and I would live, I asked my then-fiance Cat what she thought of the idea. She liked it, as she also wasn’t really interested in tv shows other than the ones she had on DVD (which she had heaps of). So when we got married on the 21st of January 2012, we tried it as an experiment. It has been 16 months since then, and I thought I might share some of our findings so far.

 

1. IT’S NOT EASY TO WEAN OFF IT.

Despite the fact that I didn’t really have an interest in the actual shows on tv, I discovered that I had developed a habit of turning on the plonkvision whenever I had some down-time. In the first few days I literally became anxious and agitated, like a smoker trying to give up nicotine. And really, that’s what had happened – I had become addicted to free-to-air tv.

tv-brainThe consistent practice of turning on the tv when I got home and plonked on the couch had trained my brain to expect that stimulus. It became a soothing and relaxing practise. A way of winding down. Not because of any content that was on the tv – that was almost incidental – but it was the action itself, the bright colours and the familiar noise of brainless programs and commercial that my brain had grown dependant on.

So initially, when I took it away, my brain craved it like a baby crying out for its security blanket. I was actually surprised by this at first, as I hadn’t realised it had become such a habit in my life. But my commitment to the experiment forced me to find other things to do. Fortunately, I loved to play the piano, practise magic tricks, write blogs and do lots of other things that relax me, and those other hobbies were not filled with commercials! Imagine if they were. Imagine if every 6 minutes of me playing the piano, someone came into my house and told me to buy stuff for 3 minutes and then left for another 6 minutes or so. What hell that would be!

Weaning off free-to-air tv has helped me develop lots of other healthier and less time-wasting ways of relaxing. I still plonk for an hour or so at the end of the day, which is a habit I also may need to break (especially when I have kids), but there are other reasons why I am glad I don’t use free-to-air tv to do it.

 

2. CHOICE RATHER THAN DISCOVERY

The main benefit that I have found in living “fre-to-air” free, is this one powerful reality: If I turn on the TV I am choosing rather than discovering what is going to go on the screen.

The TV is no longer a portal to the free-to-air tv world. It is simply a monitor. It is plugged in to my playstation so I can watch a movie or play a game of my choosing  It is also plugged into my Apple TV device – which we most often use for its online radio function and to bring up what’s on my iPad on to a larger screen (for example, I use it in Bible Studies, to bring up the text we are working on or to show relevant YouTube clips).

I still use the tv heaps, but now it is simply a screen. I choose the quality and the appropriateness of the content that it will display, not a television network that has less than my best interests at heart.

In regard to relaxing, this does require a little more effort as you have to actually think about what movie or game you are in the mood for. But that’s a great thing I find! Consider this senario… Cat & I are in the mood for watching a movie after dinner (or during dinner if we’re feeling more lazy). Now, whenever we feel like this when we’re on holidays and we’re in a hotel room with free-to-air tv, we say “Well, let’s see what’s on tv.” We turn it on and discover the only thing half worth blurayswatching is a trashy 80’s horror flick which we inevitably get sucked into and then HAVE to watch it to the end just to see how the stupid plot concludes. Cat is left feeling crap (she doesn’t really like horror) and I am left feeling like we paid all this money to stay in a hotel room to pay for 90 minutes that I will never get back!

At home on the other hand, where we live “free-to-air” free, instead of saying, “Well, let’s see what’s on tv”, we ask each other, “What sort of movie are you in the mood for?” It gives us both the opportunity to love and serve each other as we offer suggestions and try to find a movie that will both enjoy. Some nights we watch “Sister Act”. Some nights we watch “Die Hard”. And because Cat doesn’t really like scary movies, we almost never watch horror. A movie night becomes a way of consciously choosing for the sake of the other, rather than simply discovering what is being offered to us by someone else.

 

3. IT’S GOOD FOR PURITY

Apparently, due to a recent study, it’s said that men think about sex around 19 times a day (much better than the myth of “every 7 seconds”). Whatever is the case, one thing I know is that for a Christian guy in this sex-saturated world, the thing you have to think about  – is purity. Christian guys (and increasingly girls) are getting sucked into, shaped by and addicted to this pornified culture and although internet porn is probably the biggest problem, tv can also be a particular trap.

1156296_vector_warning_sign copyI used to find late night tv a real danger as I was getting tired and my other housemates had gone to bed. I’d start thinking, “It’s late. I need to get to sleep” as my zombified brain would be mindlessly flicking channels. Suddenly, I’d come across something that warned me of the nudity and sex scenes that would be featured in the upcoming movie. My mind (and the Holy Spirit) would say, “turn it off now”, but like the fool described in Proverbs 7:22-23, my lustful heart would be stirred and the weakness of my lack of discipline would be proved once again as I get led off “like an ox going to the slaughter, like a deer stepping into a noose.”  This scenario is not uncommon for Christian guys and all Christians who care about avoiding it and other areas of sexual temptation should consider what they can do to simply reduce the chance that they will be exposed to it.

In regard to the “forbidden woman” being talked about in Proverbs, Solomon’s advice is “Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house.” (Proverbs 5:8). Jesus gives an even more radical teaching on the subject of sexual purity, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart. If your right eye causes you to stumble, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to lose one part of your body than for your whole body to be thrown into hell.” (Matthew 5:27-29)

The message is, don’t put yourself in temptation’s way. Run from even the potential of sexual immorality. Be radical! Walk on the other side of the street, gouge out your eyes, or if you struggle with sexually explicit stuff on free-to-air tv then why not like me, get rid of the aerial. Living “free-to-air” free does not change the lust in my heart – that is a cooperative work between me and the Holy Spirit over time – but what it does do is removes a source of temptation, which is always a wise thing to do. Like I mentioned in the second point, having to choose what you watch on tv rather than just discovering what’s on, may be good for you and your marriage in more ways than one.

 

4. YOU’RE NOT LOCKED IN

As Cat & I weaned ourselves off of watching free-to-air tv, we compensated it by watching a lot of tv shows on DVD. I know that illegally downloading tv shows is pretty common nowadays, but as Christians we didn’t want to do that and so we would either watch online shows on something like ABC iView or we would buy the series we were interested in.

We’d often wait for a sale at JB HiFi and pick up a few and then work our way through them over many months. Or, we’d give ourself a prize or a treat for some other area of discipline that we were working on by buying a BluRay of a tv series from Amazon UK (If you didn’t know, the UK has the same BluRay region as Australia and Amazon can sometimes be a lot cheaper).

2012-07-30-Olympic-wrestle-for-the-remote-600

Now a lot of people don’t want to spend money on buying tv series that they could watch on free-to-air tv, but we have found the financial investment is not all that huge and in the end it’s really worth it. The lack of commercials chopping up the show is fantastic and the addition of special features is also pretty cool, but one of the major things I like about watching a tv series on DVD is that you are not “locked in” in the same way you are on free-to-air tv.

What I mean is, when it comes to watching a show on free-to-air tv, even if you are not in the mood for it, you feel forced to watch the show because the time it is on is set. The potential of missing a show actually causes some people a fair bit of anxiety and can cause arguments between those who live together. Some people solve this conflict by buying a tv recorder, but that can sometimes create an even worse scenario. You then have the freedom to record every show that you want and I know Christian married couples who now fight over making time to watch all the shows that they have now recorded!

Also, different shows create different types of moods. Some shows are light and fluffy, others are heavy and disturbing. Watching a show on DVD allows you to turn the show off or put off watching it if you don’t feel it would be helpful to you or those you live with.

Breaking-Bad-S1

For example, Cat & I love “Breaking Bad”. We have bought the first 4 seasons of it and we think the performances and scripting is amazing. But the show is really intense and the themes are very heavy and at times quite unsettling. Cat & I watched the first two seasons and began watching the third but found that we were being left in a dark place after watching the show. It even was causing me to have bad dreams about divorce, marital conflict and infidelity (some of the side themes in the show). It was so interesting and captivating to watch, but we were finding it not healthy for our marriage or our personal mood, and so we stopped watching it. We now haven’t gotten back to watching it for months and are contemplating getting back into it. We couldn’t have made that choice if we were locked in to watching it on free-to-air tv.

Living “free to air” free has allowed us to continue to watch the shows we love, but with the freedom of choosing when they would be good for us to watch. It gives us an another opportunity to serve each other and our marriage and that makes the financial cost of buying a series when they come out on special, worth the money. Also I expect, when we have children, this ability to choose will be even more beneficial.

 

5. CATCHING THE NEWS

Some people watch free-to-air tv in order to catch up with the news. When I was living at home my parents used to watch news on tv from the 6:30 Report to the “current affair” shows which finished at 8pm! It was painful as they all contain fluff pieces to fill it out and the actually important news was repeated on every show.

online_newsWhat I have learnt by living “free to air” free is that if the news is important enough, you will hear about it on social media. When Julia Gillard, Australia’s first female Prime Minister, came into power, I found out while sitting with my brother Tony in a cafe in Bendigo as I looked at Facebook on my phone. In fact, even the news programmes on free-to-air tv sometimes get their news from a tweet or a facebook post they they find. Social media is a powerful and unfiltered tool for communicating important news.

Due to this reality, I don’t feel like I will ever miss any important news that I need to know about. I also read the newspaper when I can and keep an eye on a lot of online news from a variety of sources, so that keeps me on top of the topics I am interested in. Also, some of the topics I am interested in will never she shown on free-to-air tv, but I can learn lots about what is happening from a variety of perspectives online. On the internet, news is instant, varied and world-wide. The ability to access this news is a freedom and a privilege of our modern world, and it means that the corporately owned free-to-air news programs don’t have to be my only source of information.

 

6. KEEP THE AERIAL HANDY

25oscar-best-speech1One last thing to point out is that Cat & I keep the aerial handy. It’s actually plugged into the wall and tucked under the couch so that whenever we want we can plug it into the tv. We do this for the rare occasions that something special is being shown on free-to-air tv that we want to watch – the Grand Final, the Oscars, the Melbourne Cup, an Election Night, etc.

The aerial is not something we see as “evil”. Rather we treat it like a projector. Many people have a projector that they bring out on special occasions, but that generally lives in its case in the cupboard. That’s why I used the picture at the heading of this blog. The aerial is something that we use “in case of emergency”.

The key thing is that we know the cost. Free-to-air tv is not free. It is not free of commercials. It is not free of dangers. It is not free of a culture of consumerism and apathy. It has a cost. On occasion we are willing to pay that cost, but we do so knowingly and rarely.

 

FIRST WORLD SOLUTIONS TO FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

I do realise that to find alternatives to free-to-air tv also includes a cost. We have bought DVDs, Blurays and an Apple TV device to fill the space that free-to-air tv used to occupy.

FIRST WORLD PROBLEMI want to acknowledge that this whole conversation is really about me suggesting “first world solutions” to “first world problems”. Bloody hell! There are heaps of people in Australia who can’t even afford a tv and on a global scale, only 20% of people own their own tv.

If you so have a tv, but you’re doing it tough or you don’t want to waste money on DVDs and the like, then please accept my apologies and enjoy free-to-air tv to your hearts content! Or give us a call and you can borrow some of the DVDs we have purchased! Either way, I definitely hold no judgement against those who choose to watch free-to-air tv. I just want to suggest a slightly alternative lifestyle for those that like the idiot box, but feel like free-to-air tv may be making them too much of an idiot.

One thing I do want to say is that over time, Cat & I have even stopped watching tv shows and movies, and I almost never play playstation games any more. The effort to choose what we want to view on the tv has encouraged us to spend more time doing other things that don’t involve the tv at all… Now if only I could do the same for YouTube and Facebook! (Hmmm. Maybe that’s another experiment to try!)

 

TRY THE THREE “FREE” FREE EXPERIMENT!

If you’re in the same-ish demographic to me and you find free-to-air tv is wasting a lot of your time or causing conflict in your relationships, why not try it for yourself! I’m calling this challenge the THREE “FREE” FREE EXPERIMENT! The idea is that just for three weeks you pack up the aerial cord and put it away. See what happens! Maybe you’ll hate it. Maybe you’ll enjoy it. Maybe you’ll go mad and realise you have an addiction! Or maybe you’ll want to try it for longer than three weeks.

It’s not that extreme really. I’m not saying throw all your technological devises out the window and join a commune! It’s just an experiment. If you’re married or you’re living with housemates (or even if you’re still living at home with your parents) why not talk to them about the idea and suggest giving it a go. If you want to be even more hard-core, you could make the “THREE” represent three months rather than three weeks.

If you try it (or if you’re already living “free-to-air” free), please tell me and post your comments below. I’d love to hear what you have discovered along the way.

Who knows… over time, we may actually be able to get out of this culture of just plonking infront of a screen altogether and begin using our down-time to pick up a book or play a musical instrument or… shock horror… even just talk to the person sitting right next to us on the couch.

couple-talking-on-couch

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