Pain, grief and the muck in the lake
Recently, some of the deep pain I experienced during the breakdown of my first marriage has resurfaced and I am going through a journeyÂ at the moment to process some of this pain and see what God has for me to learn through it. It has been over five years since my divorce, and it is around 8 and a half years since my first wife and I separated. God has done great healing in my heart over many of the griefs associated with the end of my first marriage, including providing me with forgiveness and grace for my sinful part in what caused it to collapse. Even so, many years later, I am still working through the pain, trauma and wounding that the long period of separation brought into my life and heart.
I once heard an analogy about pain and grief that has stuck with me and continues to ring true to my experience. I thought I’d share it with you.
Pain is like muck inÂ a lake. As the wavesÂ settle after a traumatic event, it may seem like the water becomes clear and still, but often it is just that the muck sinks deep down to the bottom of the lake and rests there for a while. We might know it is there, but the clarity of the still waters is so refreshing it is better for a time to let it be.
Sometimes we might be tempted to go digging around in the deep part of our lake looking to dislodge theÂ muck that needs to be dealt with. We might be worried that we are simply avoiding pain and keeping it repressed and that that would be unhealthy. Sometimes that may be true, but generally, I would discourage digging around in your pain. God knows the right time and season that we are prepared to work through our grief. The most important thing to do is keep seeking God and listening to his Word and letting his Spirit convict you and teach you and guide you.
Psalm 139 is a great reflection for this. Verses 1-4 says: “You have searched me,Â Lord,Â and you knowÂ me.Â You know when I sit and when I rise;Â you perceive my thoughtsÂ from afar.Â You discern my going outÂ and my lying down;Â you are familiar with all my ways.Â Before a word is on my tongueÂ you,Â Lord, know it completely.” God knows our hearts so much better than we do. He knows everything that is going on at the bottom of our lake and he knows when and how we should deal with it. Rather than digging around trying to dislodge something you might not be ready to deal with, the best thing to do is to pray the words at the end of Psalm 139: “Search me,Â God, and know my heart;Â test me and know my anxious thoughts.Â See if there is any offensive wayÂ in me,Â and lead meÂ in the way everlasting.”
Seek God and always allow him to search and lead you. God knows when it is the right time for the muck to be brought up from the bottom of your lake. He may do that directly through the prompting of his Spirit, or he may do that through life circumstances. God is sovereign over every part of your life.Â He will use an event or a conversation or some interaction as a stick that goes down into the water and stirs up the muck at the bottom. All of a sudden, out of nowhere, you may suddenly feel overwhelmed with the pain and emotions you thought were long gone, or at least, deeply buried.
When this happens, don’t fight it. In fact, see it as God’s kindness as he has sovereignly allowed for this muck to be stirred up at this time rather than any earlier when you may not have been able to deal with it. When the stick of life stirs up the muck in your lake, know that God probably has some healing in store for you. The important thing is to not ignore it. Let yourself feel the pain and be free to express it without embarrassment. The water that just recently looked so clear and still, now is swirling around with brown muck. It is unpleasant. In fact, it is really shitty. You may just want the pain to end, but don’t ignore it. This is just a season that you have to go through. Give yourself some time and make space in your life to allow God to do his work. Spend time in prayer and the study of the Bible, seeking God for what he wants you to reflect on or realise. Journal, draw, write, paint or even blog about what you are feeling. Talk through it with a wise and godly friend who can sit with you in your pain and continue to point you to the truths of God as they become relevant. It may be worth seeking professional counselling or meeting with your minister to give yourself the time and space to work through the pain.
Most importantly, keep bringing your muck to God. As it is dislodged from the bottom of the lake and comes to the surface, scoop it out and give it to God. Allow the truths of his Word to speak into your pain – to vindicate injustices done, to correct lies we believe about God, ourselves and others, and to remind you of the promises of God’s redemptive work, both in this life and especially in the New Creation, where God says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes.Â There will be no more deathÂ or mourning or crying or pain,Â for the old order of things has passed away.” (Revelation 21:4)
Then, as God brings you healing, insight, comfort and redemption, eventually that season will end. The waters will calm down and once again they will become still and clear. God will not have removed all of the muck. He knows us and knows how much of the process we can take. As he allowed the muck to come up, he will also allow some of the muck to sink back down. Be content with this. Not everything will be dealt with at once, and even if you spent your whole life in daily counselling, not everything will be dealt with in this lifetime. Pain and loss are a part of this broken world, and it is only when Jesus returns that this “old order of things” will have fully passed away.
Pain is like muck at the bottom of a lake. It is messy and unpleasant. It takes time to work through. It makes us long for the New Creation.
For me, in this season of swirling, muddy waters, I am daily feeling the pain of griefs that hurt me years ago. But I am also going through this season with great hope. I know that God loves me and will walk me through this time. I know God will not allow me to face anything that would completely crush my faith and joy as I keep putting my trust in him. I also know that God will do powerful and redemptive things through this time. I’m actually looking forward to it. The healing may be small. It may not deal with everything. But it will be exactly what I need for this time and this season. In that hope, I can walk through the pain rather than avoid it.
In fact, in the midst ofÂ this pain, I can scoop out the muck in my lake with joy.
For God, who said, â€œLet light shine out of darkness,â€Â made his light shine in our heartsÂ to give us the light of the knowledge of Godâ€™s glory displayed in the face of Christ.Â But we have this treasure in jars of clayÂ to show that this all-surpassing power is from GodÂ and not from us.Â
We are hard pressed on every side,Â but not crushed; perplexed,Â but not in despair;Â persecuted,Â but not abandoned;Â struck down, but not destroyed.Â We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus,Â so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.Â For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesusâ€™ sake,Â so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body.Â So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you.
It is written: â€œI believed; therefore I have spoken.â€Â Since we have that same spirit ofÂ faith,Â we also believe and therefore speak,Â because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the deadÂ will also raise us with JesusÂ and present us with you to himself.Â All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgivingÂ to overflow to the glory of God.
Therefore we do not lose heart.Â Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardlyÂ we are being renewedÂ day by day.Â For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.Â So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen,Â since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
(2 Corinthians 4:6-18)